It’s weird. Feeling alone. Trapped inside my body. Screaming to be free, but in reality I’m becoming stiff, my squirms getting weaker, the fight dies from me quickly. Moaning from pain. Uncomfortable. Scared. My no’s being replaced with painful soft cries. Silence. I stopped and laid there. My virginity being taken. Something I always wanted to save for the person I loved. I thought I was now disposable. His filth covered me when he touched me. No longer beautiful. No longer worthy of love. Tainted.
I was traveling. Alone. 18, turning 19 in a few more months. Being an adventurer was what I always wanted. Being independent was what I wanted to show the world. So I worked hard for almost a year. Made enough money to buy a plane ticket to Hawaii. Paradise in the middle of the ocean. I was going to Hawaii to work on a farm that provided a roof over my head in return. A place to stay in the middle of paradise. I arrived in Hawaii before they were expecting me, so I needed to find a place to stay. I had heard about couch surfing. People host their home for travelers/backpackers for free. I booked a place with a 28 year old. He had multiple 5 star reviews from men, women, and couples. I felt safe because of those reviews. I booked it. The first night was fine. I slept in my own bed the night I arrived, but for some reason I was just itching to get to the farm, because I knew that was where I was supposed to be.
The next morning I woke up and my host had made me breakfast. Asked what I wanted to do on the island during my stay. I had no idea, so he suggested to go camping in this valley up north. It was supposed to be a hard hike that he had wanted to do with the previous people, but didn’t have enough time to do. So we packed some stuff and went on our way. The drive was headed to the top of the island. We stopped and parked our car at the top and headed down into a valley. It was a steep walk down, but we made it. He asked some locals how to get to this certain location and they said it’s a long hike.
“I wouldn’t do that hike today brother, the mosquitos are bad, and wild boars are everywhere.”
We sat for a while and it started pouring rain, so we decided to just head back to the house. I don’t remember the drive home or walking back into the house. All I remember was him on top of me. I felt so uncomfortable. Scared. I squirmed and it was clear I didn’t want this to happen. It was clear I didn’t want to be with him. I remember him saying, “I’ve always wanted to try this on acid. I’m tripping so much right now”. My stomach turned in my belly. I said no multiple times as he pursued his goal. He pulled out his dick and it was disgusting. I didn’t want to see it. I said no again. He tried stuffing it inside me, but I was dry, it was painful. I moaned from the hurt I felt. He kept trying and I kept saying no, trying to push my hands in front of my privates. At one point one of the no’s that I said stopped him. He looked at me and took his condom off and threw it to the side of the bed. Then he kept going. He then said, “This is way better than having to do this in a tent”… After he was done I said I needed to go to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and the pee hurt coming out. I reached my hand down and when I brought it back there was blood on my finger tips. I felt sad more than any other emotion from seeing that.
I don’t remember after that, but I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up the next day in a bed. He tried again, but this time he stopped. I said I needed to take a shower, I felt dirty. I went to the bathroom and stripped. Walked into the tub and turned on the shower head. The door opened. He came in and stripped and came into the shower with me. I was uncomfortable and said I was done showering. He grabbed my body and turned me around. I froze. I was numb. I wanted to kill myself. He held my body and bent me over in the shower. HE started to thrust into me as I was bent over. My eyes were open and I was a dead corpse staring at the water as it went down the drain mixed with my blood.
As I put my clothes on I acted like I got a text message. I said a friend was in Hawaii and wanted to meet at Starbucks. He told me not to leave, to stay at his house. I said I missed my friend and that I would come back. I put on a face. He looked at me and said okay.
I packed my bags.
He was in the other room in the kitchen making himself food. I sat on the bed with my bag staring at the door wishing I could be at Starbucks already. Away from him and his filth he covered me with.
He came back into the room and raped me for the last time. All I remember of that last rape was thinking that it will be over soon. I will be safe soon. It will all be okay.
It ended. He drove me to Starbucks and as he dropped me off he asked where my friend was. I told him he’s on his way. He said, “okay, I won’t be far to pick you back up”.
He got in his car.
I went inside and ordered a drink. Out of the corner of my eye he was staring at me from inside his Cadillac. I acted normal. Took my drink and sat at a table. I saw his car pull onto the street and drive slowly away. I got up and walked out the door into the middle of town where it would be busy. I went on side streets instead of on main roads. I kept walking, always looking for his car. I made it to a youth hostel. I paid for a room and stayed there the rest of the day.
He messaged me asking where I was, and I lied and said I road a boat to another island.
I blocked his number and deleted his messages.
Safe. Safe from his physical grasp.
Mentally and emotionally fucked up from that experience. Thinking, “It’s my fault. I deserve it. I’m unworthy. I’m used goods. I will never be loved, because I don’t deserve love. I’m disposable.” The constant degrading of my self worth is just another cause of his actions that I just can’t seem to shake off.
Fast forward to November 2016. My boyfriend and I went to the North Dakota Pipeline Protest. I had opened up to him about the rape only a month before, and was dealing with it only somewhat okay. Anyway, we planned to go on the trip with a group of people. We had a whole trailer filled with supplies to give out to people at the camp for the coming winter. Sage was burned and we were all given separate blessings for the journey. As we pulled into the camp there were horse corrals, people setting up camp, wood being chopped, and teepees and tents everywhere. It was clear right off the bat who was there to just site see and say they were a part of it, and who was there to work and try to make a difference. We set up camp near some skinny white kids who ended up leaving a few days after us. They left all their trash laying on the ground along with probably 20 cigarette butts smashed into the ground. It was annoying, but the group I was with ended up cleaning up that area for the next people who wanted to set up camp.
As we were there it was highly encourage to bring your own food. There were a lot of people to feed and the supply was low. We had brought some food, but by the end of our trip we ran out. There was a food tent that allowed for anybody to get meals for free during breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The day before we left, my boyfriend and I walked to the meal tent for breakfast. We ate our food and went back inside to put our plates away. As we came back out of the tent, I was looking at everyones face and smiling as I walked past them. In a group of about 4 people, I scanned my eyes past a face and my eyes quickly back tracked to one of the faces. My stomach dropped. It was the man that raped me in Hawaii. Isaac. I stared at his face and he caught my gaze and stared right back at me. Fear filled me and I wanted to get away as fast as possible. I didn’t want it to be real. I didn’t want him to think I recognized him, and I didn’t want him to recognize me. His eyes spoke as he looked at me. He knew exactly who I was. In a split second of terror I looked away and acted like I didn’t see him. I interlocked my arm with my boyfriends and walked beside him acting happy. When we got up the small hill a little bit, I unlocked our arms and skipped ahead of my boyfriend. I wanted to look back at him to see if what I saw was real. Could it have really been him? I turned around and smiled at my boyfriend as he was walking towards me. As I smiled my eyes darted past him and back to the tent. There he was. He had turned around to watch me walk away. He was staring at me from the bottom of the hill. I turned around and jogged to the other side of the hill so he couldn’t see me anymore. My heart raced. How the fuck did this happen? What is the coincidence that the two times I was next to my rapist was in Hawaii, and then in fucking North Dakota?!
The rest of the day I sat inside our rental car with one of our group members husky dog. I stayed inside until my boyfriend came back from helping set up a teepee across the camp. The doors were locked. The blanket covered me as I laid on the seat, imagining that Isaac would come looking for me and find me. When my boyfriend came back he asked if I was okay and I told him I was just cold. I didn’t want to tell him that my rapist was there, because he would freak out and try and find him and probably kill him. All I wanted was to get away from everyone and everything. Anger filled me as I thought how he ruined my wonderful experience in North Dakota. He replaced my happiness with fear, and I needed to escape him once again. Relief filled me as we drove away the next morning. Back towards home where from that point on, my night mares heightened, my anxiety worsened, suicidal attempts became real, and being surrounded by new people made me nervous.